Relationship Chutes and Ladders

When I think about the lifeline of a romantic partnership-like most therapists I can't help but use an analogy. This one requires we turn back the hands of time to remember the classic game Chutes and Ladders…

Players spin a wheel or roll the dice to determine whether they advance up the board or descend back toward the start.

In this relational realm two “pieces” come together, different in color, perhaps similar in shape. With the roll of the dice, the miracle and luck of finding each other at the right time, both ready or at least willing, to get on the board–get in the game–two pieces embark on a journey into the unknown.

As couples do, two individual game pieces meet up on one particular square–an issue, value, moment of awakening into truth.  In this meeting their fate for advancement lies in their alignment.

The couple travels from square to square until arriving at a ladder...

Ladders 

The relationship asks “At the foot of this ladder, can we go up? Can we navigate our way into alignment in order to ascend onto future pastures?”

Common ladders that I see in my work as a couples therapist include starting a family, opening the relationship to other partners, moving to a new location, uncovering infidelity, and the list goes on.

With the aid of faith, communication of truths, and a little sweetness, one step at a time, the alignment of two individuals’ needs and values means we climb: rung by rung, sturdy and yet humbly fragile.

Chutes

Conversely, in the arrival of a ‘chute,’ the journey asks, “Will we regress?  In our misalignment, will our movement forward reverse into a downfall?”

Enough ‘chutes’ of misalignment and we start back at the beginning: “Who is this person I used to know?  Where is the person I remember myself to be?” 

The game comes to an end for the unlucky players who have fallen back to the beginning. 

Origins 

The game we have come to know in our modern lives is in fact one that originates back to India, to the 2nd Century B.C., from a game called Snakes and Ladders.  

Used as a moral tool to represent the Hindu philosophies of the karmic cycle, ladders represented rebirth into higher forms of life by doing good deeds.  Snakes meant falling down the board and therefore rebirth into lower forms of life, by doing evil.

Versions of this ancient game featured fewer ladders than snakes.  This served as a reminder that a path of good is more difficult to follow than a path of sins.  Specifically, one early version of the game contained 5 ladders (aestheticism, faith, generosity, reliability, and knowledge) and 12 snakes (disobedience, debt, drunkenness, greed, lust, murder, pride, rage, theft, vanity, vulgarity).

I find myself holding compassion and understanding for the realities of romantic partnership as it is in fact more difficult to choose faith and generosity in a moment of misalignment. The most obvious reason here being the biomechanics of the brain’s fight or flight response.  We are ultimately wired for survival over long term committed partnership. 

When the brain senses danger or threat to the bond, to the attachment figure or partner, it kicks into survival mode. And this is when the snakes of rage or pride can hijack reconnection and softening.

The next time you find yourself and your partner at a “chute” remember the compassion that is possible, “the path of good is harder to follow.” Make space for time to allow for alignment. Arriving at a chute does not mean falling down it. Celebrate the ladders. Allow faith and generosity to push your relationship forward. 

For more on the brain in relationship check out “Wired For Love” by Stan Tatkin.