Communicating Your Boundaries

What are boundaries and how do I get them?

People are talking about boundaries. Often it’s in the context of “I’m not good at communicating my boundaries.”

If you’ve had this thought, I empathize with you. I remember a time in my life when I felt similarly. It was a time when I looked around and saw friends who seemed principled, self-assured, confident and aware of their self worth, while I did not. 

It was like they were walking a metaphorical tight rope-yes life was uncertain and there were scary heights and risks-but there was a straightness in their spine, their chin parallel to the ground, eyes ahead, focused, they moved with a forward momentum backed by winds of confidence in their sails. 

Forming Boundaries 

A common misconception about having boundaries is that we should know ours, know them well and communicate them always and easily. The truth is that boundaries are developed with each new life experience that comes our way. 

We form a boundary in the moment that we feel a gust of wind come in from the right side and wobble our forward stride. The awareness of the gust of wind blowing us off course is the first step of forming a boundary. 

Maybe it comes in the form of a phone call not returned, a house chore incomplete, a sexual encounter that left you feeling “off” or a feeling of being “missed” or “dropped” by a friend or a partner. 

If you find yourself analyzing feelings of confusion or anger about something that has happened in relationship, it may be that you have discovered a new boundary. Congrats! 

What is a boundary? 

In its essence, a boundary is a relational need that supports you to continue to show up loving, honest, and open. 

When we aren’t paying attention to the changes in the wind we end up on a high line wavering-feeling pushed and pulled and helpless to do anything about it. The way this plays out in relationship is often in holding in anger(wanting to be “easy-going” or not rock the boat) we feel resentful until we explode in fiery anger on the other person and likely come off as erratic and unpredictable. 

Communicating boundaries is loving 

The truth is that communicating boundaries in relationship is the most loving act one can do. What it says is “you can trust me that I won’t cut you off unexpectedly.  If you cross a boundary of mine I will tell you and be available for repair and clarification.”

That is not to say that if someone continues to cross a boundary that has already been communicated that you will continue to be available for repair. Quite the contrary. In this way communicating a boundary can help to gage whether we are being respected and valued in a relationship, if the relationship is serving to grow our sense of self worth or diminishing it. 

When we communicate a boundary it is an investment into the sustainability of the relationship. We are saying, “this is how we can stay in this relationship.”  You will then find out if the other person has the capacity to respect that boundary and perhaps to name a boundary of their own. 

Respecting each other’s boundaries is one of the pillars of trust building. I trust you because I trust that I can express my needs and you will respect them as I will do the same for you.  

The language of boundary setting

How do I actually set a boundary? Good question. I use words like “need,” and phrases like “because X is important to me,” and “I value X” where X is a need. For ideas of universal needs vocabulary you can check out nonviolent communication curriculum. 

You can pair your boundary to your desire to be in relationship with this person by saying “the way I can continue to show up in a good way and to be able to love you best, is when my need for X is respected and honored, can that work for you?”

Boundary setting in the form of request allows the person to have choice and clarity before committing to respecting your boundary. 

“If I set a boundary, I risk loosing them.”

It’s true. When we are clear about our needs in relationship we are saying yes to ourselves and no to anyone who is not able to join us in saying yes to ourselves and our needs. This is the ultimate power move of self love. The reality is that anything and anyone that is not serving our highest good and growth will indeed drop away. 

A mantra for boundary setting and letting go: 

With one life to live and all I want to accomplish I let go of anything and anyone that cannot serve my highest good and growth.